Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.