If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Me too 😆
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
lmfao come on
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.