I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
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Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
vegan witches, happy halloween!