[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
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If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”