Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
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Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I have never related to a cat more
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
These work great until they don’t.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.