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First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”