How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
what’s really going on
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.