‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
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As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.