We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
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Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
There are usually two types of merchants.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for