Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim