LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad