Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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Grow up never but we old may grow we
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”