a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
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My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever