“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?