You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
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Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
BETRAYAL
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.