I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
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My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
The Friday File.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Dune (2021)