me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee