ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
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If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.