ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
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In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries