Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?