I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
i choose….tongue
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?