I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
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ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
happy friday
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.