Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
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Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My daily affirmation
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas