Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
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I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.