No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I’m already scared
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.