Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
You Might Also Like
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
any last words?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters