Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
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me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.