2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.