Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
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Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
This is my emotional support knife.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.