Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
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My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
X-tra spooky blend
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”