[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
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Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Follow me for more fitness tips.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
scared to check what name she chose