Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
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Never be a pizza!
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.