Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
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Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.