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Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Möther may I have a snäck
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Pandas 🐼🖤
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
everyone has that one prude friend
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.