bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
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“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.