BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
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I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.