Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
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Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.