I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
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It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…