“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
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[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.