Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Just say no
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.