Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
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It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
why isn’t thunder called soundning
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.