Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
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Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa