awkward
You Might Also Like
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
honestly, i need both:
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.