My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?