School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.