why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
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I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Owl Sanctuary
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.