19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
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My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly