imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
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i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Pandas 🐼🖤
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
The news in a nutshell.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.