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holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Beware of the dog..
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.