Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Wake me when AI does housework
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.